Dear Lindsay:

I know you’ve had a messed up childhood. Your Dad is a tool, and your Mom is a media whore… blah, blah, blah. I will grant you that you weren’t given the tools to cope with problems that life gives you, but you were given millions of dollars and you’ve chosen to snort them, spend them, and drink them away, instead of getting help.

Nevertheless, I do feel that the only way you will survive your 90 days in county jail is with the proper information to deal with Thug Life. Word. No, seriously. Learn to say ‘Word’ and ‘Ya’ll mean’ (short for ‘You All Know What I Mean’). Also, remember, it’s ‘axe’ not ‘ask’. That’s how all the convicts are talking nowadays. I should know. I own the Season 1 - 4 of The Wire and Oz on DVD.  I know what I’m talking about. Word.

So here are some lessons for you to learn before you get thrown into Lockdown:

1) Make someone your bitch. I don’t mean bitch like your mom. I mean more like you did Samantha Ronson. This is going to be tough, I know. There are women in there for real crimes, murder, assault, and burglary. What are you in for? You were too narcissistic to go to a court ordered alcohol treatment program. You thought your Dad treated you like shit. Wait until they get you alone in the shower.  You thought the rules didn’t apply to you because you were in Herbie: Fully Loaded. You were wrong.

The first thing you need to do: CHANGE YOUR IMAGE. Right now you have the drunken skank look down pat, but that’s not going play in the Big House. In fact, the cracked out slut in prison look is kind of cliché. In order to get some respect and street cred, you’re going to have to thug out your image.

Two words: Corn Rows. It worked for Martha, it can work for you. Better yet, go full on nappy headed ‘fro. If Kevin Federline and Justin Timberlake can rock the rows, you’re better off with finger in a light socket, unkempt, crazy afro.  While we are at it, you need to crazy up them eyes. Right now, your eyes say “Washed Up Coke Whore” and they are easy targets in the joint. You need more of a Britney smashing a window with an umbrella look than a ‘where’s my next 8-ball look’. Just sayin’.

BTW: The picture of Lindsey with the fro is photoshoped from a picture of Ludacris, or as I call the creation Ludalindsay.

Now that you’ve perfected your look, you can go about making someone your bitch. I suggest the outdoor exercise area or ‘yard’ as the ‘homies’ call it. (I also saw Colors back in 1988. I know what I’m talking about.) Here you can intimidate the ‘punk-asses’ with your brute physical strength (Oz Season 1, episode 1 “Beecher Gets a Nazi Brand on his Ass“). Seeing as how you cried like a spoiled little rich girl when the judge gave you 90 whole days, I don’t think you’re going to be burning any Gucci tats into your bitch’s behind anytime soon. You’re best would be to have Samantha Ronson smuggle you some cocaine in her Va-Jay-Jay, then you rat her out to the guards (Oz Season 6, episode 6 “Sucks to be Beecher“), BAM, she’s doing hard time, and you’ve got a punk you can boss around.

2) Learn how to make a ’shiv’ or ’shank’. Please pay close attention to this. You’re only going away for 90 days, or in LA County Jail celebrity time, 3 hours, but every second you are unarmed; you’re in danger. A shiv is an improvised weapon made from common jail house items. Since I don’t think you possess the engineering skills for the ol’ razor inside of a toothbrush, or the muscle to pry a spring out of a mattress; I would recommend you do what we did as kids, and rub a Popsicle stick on the ground until it becomes pointy and ouchy. That way, if you’re ever attacked on the cellblock by Mr. Softee, you’re covered. Since you are looking to sell your post jail interview for a cool million, maybe you can sell your own shiv designs too. You could debut them at fashion week, “Skank Shanks” by Lindsay. You got to admit, it’s got a ring to it.

3) Toilet water and Tang can make a fine prison wine.

Step 1: Get some Tang. You’re in an all-women’s prison, Tang shouldn’t be too hard to find.

Step 2: Take some toilet water. Not that Frenchie, stank stuff, that Eau du Toilet; I’m talking water from the toilet. It’s that putrid metal thing in the middle of your cell, the one right out there in the open for everyone to see, the thing you refuse to sit on, use, or clean; that toilet water. Sure, tap water will work too, but I know you like your buzz, and if you’re going to get high on homemade wine, why drink it from the tap when you can have it from the can. Let me get a WHAT-WHAT (Malibu’s Most Wanted, 2003).

Step 3: Get some yeast. Again, you’re in an all-women’s prison, use your imagination. (Um… I was thinking about taking a moldy piece of bread, putting in a sock, and letting the bacteria break down the yeast naturally. Get your mind out of the gutter people.)

Step 4: Combine all the ingredients, the toilet water, the moldy sock, and the Tang, put it a plastic bag, and hide it from the guards for about 30 days. Don’t worry about your SCRAM bracelet going off, they’re going to confiscate that during your strip search. Like there are people who haven’t seen you naked, pah-lease.

Step 5: After 30 days, get drunk as a mother, or your mother, whatever the case may be.

4) Get a manicure BEFORE you go to prison. Most nail files are forbidden in County because they can be used as a shiv (see lesson 2), but also, in your case, you may want to get rid of the ‘Fuck U’ decal before you meet anyone who might take it the wrong way like a guard, the warden, or your sentencing judge. I know, you were really giving the finger to your father. Lots of people have douche bags for a dad. I can think of eight kids on TLC, right off the bat. We’ve all got problems with authority, but most of us know to shut the FUCK up when getting a ticket. When pleading for your freedom, it’s best not to call the presiding judge a “Fucking Bitch”. It’s, I don’t know, rude. Also, they tend to remember these things. When you act out in prison, they throw you down the ‘Hole’ (Oz, every season, every episode).

Now, I know you’ve gone down on pretty much everything, but trust me you don’t want to put this notch in your belt. If Oz has taught me anything, it’s that when people are thrown in the hole, they come out naked and crazy. Then again, that sounds like you after a three day coke binge, so what the hell, go for it. Get thrown in the hole, come out crazy-er.

5) Get help. There is lots of help for you in prison. There’s Sister Pete, group therapy, the crazy old inmate with wise sayings, the lifer who is mother to all the new girls, and of course Morgan Freeman; they are all there to help you. Learn from them; kick your drug and alcohol habit. Seriously, if you’re not going to OD and get found naked on a toilet, it’s just annoying. Ask Lisa Curtis, she’s the woman who found Robert Downey Jr. passed out in her house. Cleaning up after junkies is sooooo lame. Quit smoking too! You’re 24 going on 50. You make Harvey Firestein sound like a soprano. Stop calling 911 to get your cell phone back, stop suing everybody named Lindsay (including Milk-a-whats), don’t turn down roles in good movies only to play porn star in others (typecasting), don’t call the President of the United States a colored person, don’t get a DUI after leaving rehab, and don’t miss your court date, lie about a stolen passport, then take pictures out at a party with booze and coke. Seriously, I’ve met stupid people, and you can’t be that dumb. Get some help!

So enjoy your 90 days. Consider it a paid vacation courtesy of the state of California. Just pray. Pray long and hard that they don’t show I Know Who Killed Me while you are there. It may start a riot, and those women have been through enough.

Sincerely,

Mike Siscoe