by Rob Asaro

(Cleveland, Ohio) This week the omnipotent all-powerful being and creature of the universe, “GOD” informed Cleveland he will be leaving. He held a press conference on Saturday to discuss his move not even 48 hours after LeBron announced a move to South Beach.

“While it is true that I’m omnipresent, and have the ability to be in all places at once, I just think I’ve done everything I can for Cleveland. I gave it my all. I know that we all hoped for more. We wanted a booming downtown, and newer buildings. We wanted to clean up

Lake Erie and infuse entertainment and culture into city while cracking down on crime, but at this point in time I need to move on.”

He conceded that LeBron’s move to Miami motivated him to make a change. “Perhaps there is just a more practical place for me to place my efforts that might garner better positive results like the Middle East, or maybe I can clean up this oil crisis, but Cleveland… it’s just beyond repair at this point. I’ve done everything I can think of.”

Bible’s were being thrown out of buildings and people cried in the street. “How can he betray us like this? What will we do without him?” said resident Becky Howell, 24.

The state of Ohio, released a statement of its own following God’s decision.

“God’s exit from the city is the latest in a long line of things trying to get out of Cleveland including: Drew Carey, LeBron James, John Glenn, The Browns, Clean Water, and anyone with a car. We simply can not keep Ohio in the fold of cities. It’s not that we’re particularly strict. I mean Akron, Toledo and Cincinnati are no great shakes but Cleveland is just something that has been exhausting to maintain. A painful as it is, we all need to move on. We hope Cleveland finds a place they can be happy and flourish but it can not be in Ohio any longer.”

In an even more stunning development and a serious slap in the face to Cleveland residents, sources say that LeBron James is studying time travel to find a way to go back in time to see to it he never signed with the Cavaliers. “Some say we can’t erase the past. I aim to try.” As for Cleveland they will have until the end of the month before they have to leave the state. “They can take the lake, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, The Indians. They can have it all. We just want them to go.”

And so as a once terrible city turned even more terrible prepares to move on, a dark chapter in Ohio history comes to an end.