by Mike Siscoe

If there is one thing that can tear apart a relationship quicker than infidelity, your spouse’s Ed Hardy collection, or a Chris Brown sucker punch, it’s when your wife is on Team Edward, and you are clearly on Team Jacob. Even the strongest of bonds are tested when you take sides between the glitter crusted Euro-weenie and the Native American, uber-wolf with 12 pack abs. That’s right Twi-hard fans, if you’re on Team Edward, you’re un-American.

In honor of the June 30^th release of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, I’m here to let my man-gina fly, and express my devotion to Team Jacob. Suck on that, vampires. Daddy’s down with the dreamy werewolves. How do you like them apples? Oh, that’s right, you don’t like apples. You suck blood. You know what else sucks blood? Leeches, parasites, and Goth girls.  

First off, if I’ve lost you with this Twilight talk, or you don’t know about the Jacob, Edward, Bella love triangle, what the hell is wrong with you? Don’t look at me all strange. You’re the one living in a cave. Twilight is the best vampire soft core porn since Gary Oldman strapped a Queen Amidala hairdo to his melon and called himself Dracula. What, too much geeky, man-love in the first three paragraphs? Who cares! I told you. My man-gina is blowing in the wind, and I won’t be stopped.

 You know who else won’t be stopped? Team Jacob - that’s who. How can you stop a body like that? You can’t! He’s a sexy man beast who kept Bella alive when Edward was off doing his pouty, boo-boo hoo routine. “Poor me, I have to leave. I can’t be around Bella because I’m afraid. Boo-boo hoo.” What a pussy! You know who eats pussies? None of the men in the Team Edward fan club; that’s for sure. Jacob, the rock hard, kick-ass werewolf eats ‘em.  I’m talking about the dichotomy between cats and dogs people. Get your minds out of the gutter.

I’m not afraid to let my love for Team Jacob show. I mean I’d totally go gay for Taylor Lautner, if it wasn’t statutory.  I mean look at him! He’s hot, tan, and ripped! Not pale, Euro, and pasty. I just realized, pale, Euro, and pasty is triple redundant.

If I were Jacob, and Bella said, “I like you Jacob, but not like-like you. I like you more like my family dog. I’d rather go cock tease the vampire incest family with my blood. Thanks for saving my life though.” 

I’d say, “Screw you Bella. Suck on my red rocket. I don’t need you. Have you seen my abs! When I’m not working the teenage girls, I working the bitches down at the ASPCA. I’m getting dollars and kibble in my G-String.”

Besides, vampires are wimps! They are punks. Look how easy they die, a cheerleader can kill them. What kills vampires? The sun and wood. Can you be a bigger punk? What kills wolves? I mean besides Sarah Palin in a helicopter.  Silver bullets, that’s the werewolf killer. What’s cooler? Being killed by a silver bullet, or a warm day in South Beach. Before you Team Edward junkies try to correct me by saying “Sunlight doesn’t kill Edward, it just makes his skin glitter.” Yeah, like the victim of a bad lap dance.

Glittery skin is just another reason to despise Team Edwuss. Stephanie Myers took a good mythology and perverted it for her own use. Kind of like the Book of Mormon, which I guess explains a lot. The only other vampire who isn’t killed by sunlight is Count Chocula. Everyone else, dead. Selma Hayek, From Dusk til Dawn, dead. Keifer Sutherland, Lost Boys, dead. Count Duckula, dead.  According to Wikipedia, I’m right. Don’t bother looking it up, I will just change it to make sure it says Edward is a tool.

How can anyone like Edward?!? He’s stupid! He’s had to repeat the 12^th grade like 74 times. He stalks underage girls in the middle of the night. His big superpower is that he can play right field without taking steroids. When the bad boy vampire trio came and spoiled the big baseball game with their incessant need for human blood (So cliché!). Edward could have saved Bella by putting her on his back and running up the side of a mountain to safety.  But, noooooo!! What’s his big plan?? Put your hair down. Putting your hair down is going to save you from a pack of blood thirsty maniacs. Thanks Edward. Thanks for using your superpowers to give me a new look. Forget about my safety, I’ve been dying to figure out what to do with my bangs.

Then again, Bella is a dolt too. There’s a whole school full of boys to choose from and she has to pick the vampire and the werewolf. Way to go. Here’s an idea, bail on both of them because high school romances never last. I’m sure she will go off to college, forget all about Edward and Jacob, and hookup with the Mummy and Frankenstein.

Yes, Twi-hards, I know that’s not what happens. But, I’m already going to get ripped for calling Edward a glittery Euro weenie, I’m not going to get heat for giving away the ending too. Which by the way, for those of us on Team Jacob, is bullshit.

So, if I may, take a second to address my loving and adoring wife. First, you know I love you without question or fail. Second, you mean the world to me and always will. Last, how can you like that chump! What a totally TOOL! Edward sucks!! He’s got nothing on Jacob, and Bella is an idiot if she can’t see that she’s throwing her long, never ending life away on a blood sucking boob. Nothing is more loyal than man’s best friend, especially when your best friend turns into man’s best friend. There’s always room on the bandwagon, baby. I’ll save you a seat, right next to my life-sized, shirtless, Taylor Lautner stand-up. JACOB ROCKS!!!