by Jenn Palumbo

Whenever I should be doing something important, I tend to put it off by surfing the internet to see what Entertainment News is out there. I enjoy reading about who’s breaking up with who or which celebrity is involved in what scandal way more than reading about real news. Gossip and sensationalism is far less depressing than reading about the economy or oil spills. I’m just sayin’.

Still, I’m amazed at some of the things that are reported or publicized. In the past week, these are some of the headlines that caught my attention for various reasons.

THE ‘BACHELOR’ COUPLE BREAKS UP

The “Bachelor” couple, Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi, have broken up and it’s been all over every entertainment news outlet. Amazingly enough, many actually seem surprised at this news. My question is why? People - They met on a reality dating show. The same folks who bring you the show WIPEOUT where contestants jump on big red balls, face plant into muddy water and risk getting kicked in the ass by a wall of shoes, brought these two people together. This wasn’t about love. This was about ratings. I know that successful couples have come out of reality shows, but it’s as rare as Rush Limbaugh attending a Gay Rights March.

THE MOVIE “GROWN UPS” OPENS

In the movie, GROWN UPS”, Adam Sandler is a Hollywood agent with a spoiled, high-maintenance wife (Salma Hayek). Chris Rock is a Mister Mom whose wife (Maya Rudolph) and mother-in-law are both total ball busters. Rob Schneider is a vegan married to a hippie twice his age. David Spade is playing against type in the role of a drunken, sarcastic single guy, and Kevin James, also playing against type, is a fat loser whose wife (Maria Bello) still breast-feeds their 4-year-old son. Great. Another male dominated movie where the women look like moronic, over domineering, unreasonable bitches. Very original. Save your money and just rent ANYTHING involving Judd Apatow.

LOHAN REALITY SHOW: DINA AND LINDSAY TO STAR IN FAMIY DRAMA

The Lohans are going to star in a family drama? Haven’t they already been doing that for the past five years???

GARY COLEMAN PENIS FOOTAGE CAUGHT IN LEGAL BATTLE

Apparently, THIS is what Willis MUST have been talking about. But seriously folks… I wasn’t a big Gary Coleman fan but I’m beginning to get damn protective of the little guy. I mean, hasn’t he been through enough? In death, I fear he’s actually being made into a bigger joke and what’s worse is it’s the people that were supposedly close to him that are doing the set ups for the punchlines. Please leave the man and his penis alone.

ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THE DEATH OF MICHAEL JACKSON AND FARRAH FAWCETT

Both are still dead.

JEREMY LONDON KIDNAPPED, FORCED TO DO DRUGS AT GUN POINT

Jeremy London tells police he was kidnapped, robbed and forced to smoke drugs in Palm Springs. Clearly, London is a fan of  Six Feet Under in which the character of David Fisher (Michael C. Hall) offers a guy with a broken down car a ride, the guy then pulls out a gun, makes him buy booze, and later crack, and then forces David to smoke the crack at gun point. Who knew Jeremy London was such a fan of HBO? Perhaps next week, we’ll find out that London has a one-time, big-shot free-lancing opportunity at Vogue while his friend Samantha decides to give Richard a threesome for his birthday just after Miranda’s baby shower.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS’ EX DIANDRA WANTS HALF HIS ‘WALL STREET 2’ MONEY

So do I but you don’t see me bitching about it. Greed may be good but you ain’t married to him anymore honey. Get over it.

MEL GIBSON’S EX ALLEGES DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Where to begin here? They have both filed restraining orders against each other, which seems counter-productive. If you both want the other one to stay away from you, then is there really a need for either of them to legally request that they do? It’s like two kids in a back seat of a car:

KID #1: “Leave me alone!”
KID #2: “No, YOU leave ME alone!”
PARENT: “Everyone just leave everyone alone, ok????

Gibson and Oksana Grigorieva have a seven-month-old baby together (lucky kid, huh?) and Gibson apparently had a fling with a porn actress named Violet Kowal while Grigorieva was pregnant with his child. I guess the joke is how many polish porn stars does it take to make a celebrity relationship blow up? All around, the whole thing is a mess and no one is more surprised than me. Mel Gibson always seemed like such a nice guy. Oh wait… hmmm… yeah, never mind.

MENA SUVARI GETS MARRIED IN ITALY

I wasn’t going to include this as “news” but believe it or not, it was on every entertainment show, and on every entertainment website. My question is who cares? I just don’t get it. She’s lovely and all but this doesn’t feel like something the public was dying to know. Yes, she did AMERICAN BEAUTY and AMERICAN PIE but other than that, what has she done lately other than marry some guy no one has ever heard of in Italy? When she makes another big hit that DOESN’T have the word “American” in the title, then call me.

PLAYBOY APPROACHES JUSTIN BIEBER’S MOM

No. Just no.

‘ECLIPSE’ IS OPENING THIS WEEK

It’s very hard to be snarky about this as I already bought my tickets for a July 1^st showing on an IMAX screen. “Hello. My name is Jenn and I’m a total tool for Twilight.”