The Onion Quits Trump (Video)
September 1, 2015 – 12:30 pm | No Comment

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September 1, 2015 – 10:00 am | No Comment

Goodell BradyBy Randy Gardner
WMTF Sports Insider

(NY, NEW YORK) Tom Brady and NFL commissioner Roger Goodell have been unable to reach a settlement in Brady’s appeal of his four-game suspension for his involvement in “Deflategate.” The two have been meeting with US District Court Judge Richard Berman as they try to make sense of the findings in the Wells Report, a detailed investigation into how those footballs were deflated in Indianapolis last season. Judge Berman may announce a ruling as early as this morning, but no later than Friday.

A league source within the negotiations, who spoke anonymously, said that both sides were close to settling, however, failed to agree on exactly what role the handsome New England quarterback played in the deflating of the footballs, and exactly what punishment he should face.

While Brady continues to claim no knowledge or involvement in the matter, The Wells Report claims otherwise. Sources say Brady admitting guilt would have resulted in a one game suspension, but the quarterback allegedly feels that, as the luckiest man on earth [see: Money, Talent, Good Looks, Giselle], he can continue to push his luck.

As it stands, Brady is expected to serve a four-game, unpaid suspension. The New England Patriots have also been penalized, with a $1 million fine and loss of two future draft picks.

Talks this Monday grew heated as the league, players union and Brady attempted to offer up possible alternatives to his suspension, according to our insiders.

While we have no guarantee about which punishment Judge Berman will select, we can say with confidence that these are the final stages of the appeal, and one of these punishments will be handed down to Brady this week.

Alternative Punishment options:

1) The “Stick To Your Guns” Punishment – No change at all, Brady serves his four-game suspension, and continues to look handsome. (Even when pretending to look confused about how the balls lost so much air pressure.)

2) The “Cell Phone Pix” Punishment – Brady doesn’t have to give up his cell phone text history, which may or may not implicate him in Deflategate, but he would have to show every picture text from his wife, Gisele. He must also offer access to his entire photo gallery. (Judge Berman agreed to ease punishment if there was evidence of at least one great ass shot or “at the very least, some side-boob”.)

3) The Patriots Fan “Wishful Thinking” Punishment – Brady serves no suspension, the Patriots lose no draft picks, but Brady has to personally apologize and shake hands with every single Pats fan who exits the stadium after games. (Season ticket holders get hugs and a free selfie.)

4) The “Butt Chin” Punishment – Brady serves a one game suspension but agrees to head a national campaign for Cleft Chin Awareness, helping people with Butt Chins be treated more fairly in the workplace. (Butt-Chinned Hollywood stars Ben Affleck, Aaron Eckhart, and Family Guy’s Peter Griffin have already agreed to shoot PSAs alongside Brady.)

5) The NFL “Make Up For Dropping the Ball” Punishment – Brady is suspended 33 games and fined $250 million, to make up for the lax punishments of such upstanding young Americans as Ray Rice, Ray McDonald, Adrian Peterson, Greg Hardy and more. (About time someone learned their lesson.)

Giants president and co-owner John Mara took part in the settlement talks, and offered up his own punishment:

6) The “John Mara/Giants” Punishment – Force the Pats to play the Giants in the Super Bowl two more times. (While this doesn’t sound like any type of sincere punishment, the numbers don’t lie. Based on past results, this would be career suicide for Number 12.)

Some in the settlement talks felt that a financial punishment was most suitable.
Brady, after all, may have known about underinflated footballs, one of the single worst crimes against humanity since Pol Pot. Granted, the Cambodian Genocide killed over 2.5 million people, but Brady’s alleged wrong doing swung WAY over 2.5 million bucks at Vegas sports books. When you challenge the integrity of the game, you challenge the integrity of it’s gamblers. THIS will not be tolerated. Which is where the next penalty comes into play:

7) The “Hit Him Where It Hurts” Punishment – Brady serves no suspension, but loses his endorsement contract with UGG brand lady-boot slippers. Without UGG, Brady and Gisele’s financial fortune would crumble, leaving the power couple somewhere in the mere $2 billion range and forced to live like the rest of the 1%. (About damn time.)

8) The Donald Trump “Shoot Yourself In The Foot” Punishment – Brady has to let Donald Trump write scripts for all public speaking engagements, without telling anyone. When Tommy Touchdown starts rambling about Mexicans and people chant “white power” at his post-game press conferences, it’s pretty much game over for Boy Wonder. (PR Tornado.)

9) The “Reasonable” Punishment – One game suspension and the whole world moves on. (An NFL fan favorite)

The 10th and final suggestion was dubbed The “NY Jets” Punishment – Death, by public stoning OR Brady has to play out the rest of his career as a NY Jet. (Brady gets to choose which option he would rather, though sources say he’d most likely choose the public stoning.)

While the nation anxiously awaits a decision to the appeal, WMTF will continue to bring you up to the minute details as they break.

WMTF’s Randy Gardner and The Associated Press contributed to this report.
Follow Randy on Twitter: @rgardner33

The Keith and Jesse Show: For One Night Only (Comedy Show Recap)
September 1, 2015 – 12:00 am | No Comment
The Keith and Jesse Show: For One Night Only (Comedy Show Recap)

by Sarah Hartman (New York, NY) Everyone knows the apocalypse is coming, it’s just a matter of when. When will the earth come crashing down before our very eyes? What will it look like? Is it going to hurt? Can we still visit Texas? Well, according to Keith Kingbay and Jesse Neil, the apocalypse is […]

Mr. Jersey’s Neighborhood (Comedy Show Recap)
August 31, 2015 – 12:00 pm | No Comment
Mr. Jersey’s Neighborhood (Comedy Show Recap)

by Sarah Hartman (New York, NY) If there was a game show where you had to list all of the positive attributes of the Garden State, good old New Jersey, most people would be hard pressed to come up with many. Uh, they pump their own gas? They love Bruce Springsteen? They…well…yeah, that’s about it […]

Adam Hamway-Podcast-022-Kieran Valla (Podcast)
August 31, 2015 – 10:00 am | No Comment
Adam Hamway-Podcast-022-Kieran Valla (Podcast)

The talented director Kieran Valla was in town from LA and we just had fun being silly in a bar. He talked about the celebrities he wasn’t working with in LA. Enjoy over a Chocolate Stout! For More Kieran Valla: @KieranValla on twitter For More Adam Hamway: or @AdamHamway on twitter

Joe Pontillowood Prank Series Part 1: Stolen Wallet (Video)
August 31, 2015 – 7:14 am | No Comment
Joe Pontillowood Prank Series Part 1: Stolen Wallet (Video)

In this video we pretend to steal a guys wallet and it’s great! Featuring: Joe Pontillo, John Babatsikos, and Brian Hogan Special Thanks to SPooN. Follow Joe on Twitter: @JoePontillo

#NoTrumpGoSandwich (Video)
August 28, 2015 – 11:12 am | No Comment
#NoTrumpGoSandwich (Video)

A sandwich based movement where rather than voting for Trump, friends buy you sandwiches instead. – Follow Rob Asaro on Twitter: @RobAsaroShow Check out Rob’s website:

TOP JOKES OF THE WEEK from (Article)
August 28, 2015 – 10:39 am | No Comment
TOP JOKES OF THE WEEK from (Article)

Check out the top jokes from for the week of August 23rd!            

Keeping It Real With Kendall and Kylie (Video)
August 28, 2015 – 12:00 am | No Comment
Keeping It Real With Kendall and Kylie (Video)

America’s favorite siblings have a LOT to say. by: I mean…Productions Kendall Jenner – Madeline Nehlen Kylie Jenner – Amy Lynne Berger

August 27, 2015 – 11:46 am | No Comment

by Rob Asaro Keep up illusion that there are actual “teams” as opposed to corporations squaring off each Sunday. Somehow convince people to give tax dollars to build enormous stadium that will only benefit the rich people who can afford to attend games, then knock said stadium down five years later and repeat process. Increase […]

August 27, 2015 – 11:07 am | No Comment

Comedian Sheba Mason takes on RoboUniverse at the Jacob Javitz Center in NYC. Watch her talk shop, make new friends, and find Mr. Roboto! For more Sheba check out her website: Follow Sheba on twitter: @shebamason

Crab Walkers (Video)
August 27, 2015 – 12:00 am | No Comment
Crab Walkers (Video)

Beware the puns! Check out more videos from Pablo Panda! Follow Pablo Panda on twitter!

WORD OF THE WEEK with Lyssa Mandel (Article)
August 26, 2015 – 12:00 pm | No Comment
WORD OF THE WEEK with Lyssa Mandel (Article)

by Lyssa Mandel Ointment [oint-muh nt] noun 1. a soft, unctuous preparation, often medicated, for application to the skin; unguent. Let’s use this in a sentence, shall we? On the first day of kindergarten, you came home with bloody feet and your mom had to put ointment on the cuts and blisters. You had insisted […]

Shit New York Sports Fans Say (Video)
August 26, 2015 – 10:41 am | No Comment
Shit New York Sports Fans Say (Video)

The ridiculous and repetitive things that New York sports fans say. Greatly influenced by WFAN and their callers. Apologies to Islanders and Nets fans. Written and acted by Joe Pontillo. Follow Joe Pontillo on Twitter! @JoePontillo Check out Joe’s website: