Articles, Recent Posts »

by Mary  Iampietro

Remember in Back to the Future 2 when old Biff travels back in time to give young Biff the sports book with all the winning scores in it and he gets crazy rich and buys the town?  Well, it wasn’t just fiction.  Branson, Gates, all the billionaires you know are actually from the future.  There’s no way someone can have that much money without knowing what’s going to happen.  CDs to airlines to space travel, that’s some future shit right there.  You think Branson is just some crazy risk taker whose gambles paid off?  Nobody gambles like that.  Not unless they know they’re going to win.  All that bungie jumping, hot air balloon crap? That’s because the dude knows he can’t die because he’s still alive in 2084 or wherever the fuck he really came from.  But those guys have had some failures too you might be saying.  That’s because they know how to play it cool.  You don’t just roll up on the past and drop a laptop on someone in the 70s.  They would lose their shit.  You have to build it up slow.  Make it look like you’re stealing from your peers.  Make people buy increasingly advanced products with shorter and shorter lifespans so they don’t realize they’ve bought 4 of the same thing in 3 years.  Because that makes sense.  What other explanation can there be for someone having a net worth of 40 billion dollars? 

I’m going to write that out in zeros.  $40,000,000,000.00.  Here’s how much money I have in my wallet right now, $4.00.  You think you can make a billion dollars with a base intellect, a lifetime of hard work and little luck?  No, you can’t.  Otherwise every sucker who went to college would be a billionaire.  Bill Gates didn’t even finish college!  Why waste your time with that shit when you already know how you’re going to make a ton of money?  These guys are future people living among us getting filthy rich off our ignorance.  I say we form on olde tyme mob (pitchforks and all) and force them to tell us everything they know about the future so I can have a hoverboard or a cure for cancer already.