BRADY SUSPENSION APPEAL ENTERS FINAL STAGES (Article)
By Randy Gardner
WMTF Sports Insider
(NY, NEW YORK) Tom Brady and NFL commissioner Roger Goodell have been unable to reach a settlement in Brady’s appeal of his four-game suspension for his involvement in “Deflategate.” The two have been meeting with US District Court Judge Richard Berman as they try to make sense of the findings in the Wells Report, a detailed investigation into how those footballs were deflated in Indianapolis last season. Judge Berman may announce a ruling as early as this morning, but no later than Friday.
A league source within the negotiations, who spoke anonymously, said that both sides were close to settling, however, failed to agree on exactly what role the handsome New England quarterback played in the deflating of the footballs, and exactly what punishment he should face.
While Brady continues to claim no knowledge or involvement in the matter, The Wells Report claims otherwise. Sources say Brady admitting guilt would have resulted in a one game suspension, but the quarterback allegedly feels that, as the luckiest man on earth [see: Money, Talent, Good Looks, Giselle], he can continue to push his luck.
As it stands, Brady is expected to serve a four-game, unpaid suspension. The New England Patriots have also been penalized, with a $1 million fine and loss of two future draft picks.
Talks this Monday grew heated as the league, players union and Brady attempted to offer up possible alternatives to his suspension, according to our insiders.
While we have no guarantee about which punishment Judge Berman will select, we can say with confidence that these are the final stages of the appeal, and one of these punishments will be handed down to Brady this week.
Alternative Punishment options:
1) The “Stick To Your Guns” Punishment – No change at all, Brady serves his four-game suspension, and continues to look handsome. (Even when pretending to look confused about how the balls lost so much air pressure.)
2) The “Cell Phone Pix” Punishment – Brady doesn’t have to give up his cell phone text history, which may or may not implicate him in Deflategate, but he would have to show every picture text from his wife, Gisele. He must also offer access to his entire photo gallery. (Judge Berman agreed to ease punishment if there was evidence of at least one great ass shot or “at the very least, some side-boob”.)
3) The Patriots Fan “Wishful Thinking” Punishment – Brady serves no suspension, the Patriots lose no draft picks, but Brady has to personally apologize and shake hands with every single Pats fan who exits the stadium after games. (Season ticket holders get hugs and a free selfie.)
4) The “Butt Chin” Punishment – Brady serves a one game suspension but agrees to head a national campaign for Cleft Chin Awareness, helping people with Butt Chins be treated more fairly in the workplace. (Butt-Chinned Hollywood stars Ben Affleck, Aaron Eckhart, and Family Guy’s Peter Griffin have already agreed to shoot PSAs alongside Brady.)
5) The NFL “Make Up For Dropping the Ball” Punishment – Brady is suspended 33 games and fined $250 million, to make up for the lax punishments of such upstanding young Americans as Ray Rice, Ray McDonald, Adrian Peterson, Greg Hardy and more. (About time someone learned their lesson.)
Giants president and co-owner John Mara took part in the settlement talks, and offered up his own punishment:
6) The “John Mara/Giants” Punishment – Force the Pats to play the Giants in the Super Bowl two more times. (While this doesn’t sound like any type of sincere punishment, the numbers don’t lie. Based on past results, this would be career suicide for Number 12.)
Some in the settlement talks felt that a financial punishment was most suitable.
Brady, after all, may have known about underinflated footballs, one of the single worst crimes against humanity since Pol Pot. Granted, the Cambodian Genocide killed over 2.5 million people, but Brady’s alleged wrong doing swung WAY over 2.5 million bucks at Vegas sports books. When you challenge the integrity of the game, you challenge the integrity of it’s gamblers. THIS will not be tolerated. Which is where the next penalty comes into play:
7) The “Hit Him Where It Hurts” Punishment – Brady serves no suspension, but loses his endorsement contract with UGG brand lady-boot slippers. Without UGG, Brady and Gisele’s financial fortune would crumble, leaving the power couple somewhere in the mere $2 billion range and forced to live like the rest of the 1%. (About damn time.)
8) The Donald Trump “Shoot Yourself In The Foot” Punishment – Brady has to let Donald Trump write scripts for all public speaking engagements, without telling anyone. When Tommy Touchdown starts rambling about Mexicans and people chant “white power” at his post-game press conferences, it’s pretty much game over for Boy Wonder. (PR Tornado.)
9) The “Reasonable” Punishment – One game suspension and the whole world moves on. (An NFL fan favorite)
The 10th and final suggestion was dubbed The “NY Jets” Punishment – Death, by public stoning OR Brady has to play out the rest of his career as a NY Jet. (Brady gets to choose which option he would rather, though sources say he’d most likely choose the public stoning.)
While the nation anxiously awaits a decision to the appeal, WMTF will continue to bring you up to the minute details as they break.
WMTF’s Randy Gardner and The Associated Press contributed to this report.
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